Tag Archives: porch

Plastic Rings x 2

Plastic rings x2

I don’t expect any major international awards, but really, it wouldn’t hurt them to keep on taking photos of the damn things before throwing them in the bin. Honestly.

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Rubber Glove

From: Cat Scan Forensic Services <xxxx@xxx-xxxx.com>
Subject: Test results

Dear Ms The Cat,

Further to our recent correspondence, I am pleased to enclose test results from your submitted specimen, reference number C4T-0029855. I trust that this provides all the information that you require, however should you wish to discuss these results further, or require any clarification on matters arising, please do not hesitate to contact us.

We thank you once again for using our services and look forward to being of help in the future.

Mr Smudge

—————————————–

Specimen reference: C4T-0029855b
Description: Glove, rubber
DNA trace: 3 previous handlers
Handler 1: Quality control operative Lu Gang Chen, human, south mainland China, 22 human years, black hair.
Handler 2: Unidentified female, human, north Wales, uncertain age, light hair.
Handler 3: Unidentified female, cat, north Wales, 9-10 human years, black hair.
Orientation: Left hand
Cleanliness: 5 (filthy fingers and palm area)
Integrity: 10 (fully intact)
Eversion: 9 (slight wrist-curl)
Colour: Yellow
Match with specimen reference #C4T-0029855a (‘The 27th January Glove’): Yes
Confidence: 99.3%

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Plastic Ring

Christmas is over. Back to the old routine.

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Plastic Ring

Plastic ring

Yeah, August was a dark month. I lost the plot a bit, you know? Spent weeks just chasing moths. They’re fun for a while, the moths, stupid fun, but, well. The kind of stupid fun that leaves you feeling all empty inside. And the emptiness just eats away at you, gnawing at your soul like I used to gnaw at fresh Iams. And you need to hit rock bottom to realise what’s going on. To realise that moths aren’t the answer. To see how easy it is to take good things for granted.

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Plastic Ring

Plastic ring

…and I’m sitting there, right, half expecting Jeremy sodding Beadle to come round the corner any minute, you know, like it really wouldn’t surprise me, and after what happened last week, remember, with that … what? The what? Oh that, it’s a set of plastic rings. … No no, it’s plastic. Where was I? Oh yeah, so she’s … it’s what? No, plastic rings. … I don’t know, the humans use them to … Eh? I doubt it. Anyway, let me finish this story…

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Rubber Glove

Rubber glove

Today’s offering is a marvellous example of that most prized of species, the Yellow Rubber Glove. Its extremities are lightly dusted with earthy soil, and, in an exquisite tease, the wrist end has started to curl a bit, hinting at the smooth, velvety interior.

Orientation: Left hand
Cleanliness: 7
Integrity: 10
Eversion: 9
Colour: Yellow

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Bird

Bird

I never wanted to kill,
I am not naturally evil;
Such things I do
Just to make myself
More attractive to you…
Have I failed?

– Morrissey, Last of the Famous International Playboys

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