Rubber Glove

I’ve written some new lyrics to Back Home, the classic England 1970 World Cup Song. My agent is waiting by the phone NOW ready to take calls from any adventurous major record labels willing to push a few boundaries and break a few rules. If you can’t get through at first because the lines are busy, keep trying!

(intro: clapping and brass stabs)
Ru-bberrrrrr – glove rubber glove rubber glove
Ru-bber glove rubber glove,
Ru-bberrrrrr – glove rubber glove rubber glove
Ru-bber glove rubber glove,
Ru-bberrrrrr – glove rubber glove rubber glove
Ru-bberrrrrr – glove rubber glove rubber glove
Ru-bber glove rubber glove rubber
Glove rubber glooooove ruuuu-berrrrrr

Orientation: Right hand
Cleanliness: 5 (filthy fingers and palm area)
Integrity: 10 (fully intact)
Eversion: 9 (slight wrist-curl)
Colour: Yellow

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Plastic Ring

– Ring ring
– Who’s there?
– Plastic
– Plastic who?
– Plastic Ring
– …
– what

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Plastic Ring

Christmas is over. Back to the old routine.

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Bird

Robin

I brought you a robin. Merry Christmas.

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Plastic Ring

Plastic ring

The harsh November snows swept in from barren Arctic lands, bringing terrible suffering and great hardship to the inhabitants of our little town. Quality cat food was in short supply, and the cruel, hard, icy tarmac showed no mercy to our soft little paws. But then the watery December sun appeared, and its weak rays slowly warmed the frozen land; the ice became fluid once more, the snow receded, and in its place was found a miracle – the miracle of plastic. On the plastic was a flap, and on the flap a message. The message was this: 4 CANS FOR £4.50.

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Rubber Glove

Rubber glove

Observation: There has been an unprecedented run of seven consecutive sets of plastic rings. In the cat world, two is considered to be mildly interesting but ultimately fairly unremarkable; three is thought to be interesting and noteworthy, a curious statistical anomaly; four is variously seen as genuinely shocking, bizarre, miraculous, upsetting, supernatural; a run of anything above four, if such a thing is ever even given any consideration at all, is likely believed to have gone so far into the realm of the freakish as to inspire the feeling that a parallel universe has been entered and/or that the end-times are fast approaching. But in the same way that the sun has risen in the east now sufficiently often for us to not only feel confident that it will do so again tomorrow, but in fact for us to go beyond confident belief into the land of brazen, mindless grant-taking, so it is currently felt that a run of seven plastic rings, all deposited in the general area of the front door, has established a pattern so strong, so rigidly and reassuringly predictable, that there will always now be plastic rings.

Objective: Smash the system / break the routine / shock people and cats out of their trance-like acceptance of the status quo.

Proposal 1: Leave a plastic ring by the back door. This creates a gentler form of surprise, since the location is generally seen as secondary to the gift itself. A plastic ring left by the back door is still a plastic ring. But it does suggest that there are alternatives to the routine. This may be too subtle for some observers to fully appreciate, but on the other hand it is unlikely to lead to mass panic and civil unrest.

Proposal 2: A return to basics, in the form of a rubber glove. The shock of change will be softened by the warmth of vague familiarity.

Proposal 3: The introduction of a new and previously unknown gift-type, such as a telephone or prosthetic limb. A clear wake-up call for sure, but risks being too powerful and could lead to outbreaks of violence.

Recommended Course of Action: Proposal 2 – Acquisition of a rubber glove.

Glove Status
Orientation: Left hand
Cleanliness: 9 (occasional spotting)
Integrity: 6 (wrist area is in some disarray)
Eversion: 10 (inside is fully in, outside is fully out)
Colour: Yellow

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Plastic Ring

Plastic ring

Jessie the Cat’s Timeline of World History

c.6000BC: Cats are discovered by nomadic hunter-gatherers in the region of Badkyz, now part of Turkmenistan. These wild cats are orangey coloured, somewhat larger than modern domestic cats, and spend their time either sleeping on bits of paper or chasing spiders. Initially feared and distrusted by the nomads, they are later worshipped, and later still they become irritating with their constant demands for food and to be let in and out of the nomads’ primitive dwellings at inconvenient moments.

67BC: Cats arrive in Britain for the first time, two of them having crawled into a particularly dark cupboard on board a Roman slave ship.

1520-1540: Carpet is introduced to Europe by Ottoman merchants, and largely replaces the mud and straw floor coverings common at the time. Although expensive, it proves to be popular, but becomes reviled by boot and shoemakers, who fear that the presence of warmth and comfort underfoot will put them out of business.

1854: The first black cat is produced by George Weston and Sons in a Birmingham workshop. It proved to be so popular that thousands were made and sold throughout the country.

1862: Beer is accidentally created by Laszlo Kagel, a Polish research chemist working in the field of synthetic adhesives, when a number of glass jars are knocked from a high shelf in his laboratory. His assistant, Stanislaus Boosz, cleans up the spill, and is amazed by the mixture’s rich, chestnutty palette and creamy head. He spends the next few months perfecting the recipe.

1863: Boosz mass-produces his new beverage and sells it throughout Europe and the Americas, where it is marketed as a health tonic and sold in single waxed paper containers.

1864: Frustrated with having to buy beer in unstackable packaging, Ezekiel Can, a 26 year old bank clerk from Grand Rapids, Michigan, invents the the beer tin (eventually renamed ‘can’ after Can’s untimely death in 1882).

1901: The first long chain synthetic polymer is developed in the kitchens of the Wynnstay Cafe and Tea Rooms, Betws y Coed, where it is used to coat and insulate wires in generators and electrical motors.

1946: After the conclusion of World War II, the global beer industry faces collapse, as despite a renewed appetite for the sweet, brown, life-giving liquid, consumers are still only able to carry two cans of beer at a time, one in each hand.

1957: Paul Eldon Thene, a former soldier and rail enthusiast from Basildon, is visiting Betws y Coed and takes tea in the Wynnstay Cafe. His attempts to covertly observe Meinir Williams, the pretty young kitchen assistant, are hampered by the masses of opaque polymer cable coating hanging in coils from the kitchen ceiling. He devotes the next three years of his life to the production of a true transparent polymer.

January 1961: In a desperate, last-ditch attempt to rescue the global brewing industry, crude attempts are made to attach single cans of beer to each other with spider-webs. It is unsuccessful.

February 1961: Bankrupt and suicidal, Kenneth Aldridge, director of the UK’s largest brewery, disposes of his stocks of unsold beer. While carrying an armful of beer cans from the canning plant to the skip, he trips on a plastic bag. Four of the cans he was carrying penetrate the clear, see-through material, and he is temporarily unable to separate them. The plastic beer can ring is born, and the world of brewing is saved.

1964: The first cat in space: Mr Sniff sneaks into Soyuz III shortly before launch. He spends 2 days in orbit before successfully returning to Earth somewhere in the mid-Pacific.

September 2010: The glorious and exalted conjunction of all these events, as Jessie the Cat deposits a clear plastic beer can ring on the hallway carpet.

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