Newsflash: Extensive Glove Archive Uncovered

A RARE collection of rubber glove photos unearthed from a north Wales computer archive has stunned local cats.

More than 10 photos of sacrificial gloves, including a unique blue glove, were discovered as the short haired human searched around on his external hard drive for an unrelated photo of a building.

Hidden for months, the photos provide a unique insight into the rubber glove collecting habits of a local black cat in June and July 2011.

Experts said the discovery disproved the myth that Jessie failed to bring any gloves back to the house between April 2011 and January 2012.

Instead, they said it showed Jessie had collected a wide range of gloves, from left handed to right handed, clean to dirty, in singles and in pairs.

The short haired human said that he knew immediately that he had stumbled upon a rare find.

“It was easy to see it was something special but we weren’t able to confirm that until someone with more knowledge had a look,” he said.

“The trouble is that there simply isn’t another collection like this in the world. As far as we know, Jessie is unique.”

Silky, a local cat, said the discovery could alter perceptions of the era.

She said: “This collection gives us our first proper overview of Jessie’s activities around July last year.

“Its enormous size not only gives us insights into what kind of gloves were available at the time, but also the kind of places that Jessie felt like leaving them.”

with apologies to the Birmingham Mail

Leave a comment

Filed under Rubber Glove

Plastic Rings x 2

Plastic rings x2

I don’t expect any major international awards, but really, it wouldn’t hurt them to keep on taking photos of the damn things before throwing them in the bin. Honestly.

Leave a comment

Filed under Plastic

Plastic Rings

Plastic rings

I’ve been fetching rings and gloves for these stupid bloody humans as usual for the past 6 months but have they been documenting them? No they have not. It’s as if they’ve given up. Makes me wonder why I bother.

Leave a comment

Filed under Plastic

Rubber Glove

BLACK RUBBER GLOVE. NO JOKE. THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL – THIS IS REAL. THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS.

Orientation: Left hand
Cleanliness: 9 (small patches of damp mud, would probably wipe clean)
Integrity: 10 (fully intact)
Eversion: 9 (slight wrist-curl)
Colour: Black

Leave a comment

Filed under Rubber Glove

Mouse

The long-haired human recently returned home after being away for a while, so I brought her an early morning mouse. I don’t know whether they have mice where she was. As luck would have it, the porch door was open, so I brought the mouse straight into the bedroom. I chased it around for a while, but then it hid underneath some clothes and I lost interest, so I wandered off and left them to it. I’ll let the short-haired human describe what happened next. Over to you, human:

It’s 6am, I’m tired, and there’s a mouse in the bedroom. I don’t want a mouse in the bedroom, alive or dead, and since Jessie has nonchalantly departed in search of a warm radiator to curl up to, it’s left to me to deal with. I am not normally very good at catching mice, since I’m not quite as agile as, for instance, a cat, but I give it my best shot – I find a small cardboard box to use as a trap, close the bedroom door, turn the lights on and head towards the clothes that the mouse is hiding under. What ensues is ridiculous, futile and comic. If you’ve ever tried to capture a live mouse in an ethical non-destructive way using just your hands and a small cardboard box, you’ll know just how pointless it is, and how unlikely it is to ever result in the mouse being captured.

Eventually the mouse ends up under the bed. This is not good, because there’s even less chance of me getting it there than there was when it was running along the skirting boards from one corner to another. The only thing for it is to remove the mattress, dismantle the bed frame and prop it up again the wall -I need maximum clear floor. An hour later, and we have true stalemate – I am on one side of the now vertical bed frame, the mouse is on the other. As I move slowly round the frame clockwise, so does the mouse, remaining exactly on the other side of the frame at all times. A sudden change of direction counter-clockwise does not fool the mouse. It changes too. Stalemate. Attempts to reason with the mouse are unsuccessful. I need something more cunning…

With my eye on the mouse to make sure it doesn’t escape, I sneak out of the room for supplies. I will construct a TRAP. I will catch the mouse with a trap and repatriate it to the outside, where it belongs. And, frustratingly, where I’m sure it actually wants to be. Two hours after the arrival of the mouse, the trap is ready:

I am now crouching behind the mattress, twine in hand, poised like a coiled spring. The moment the mouse is gorging itself on delicious, life-giving CHEESE, I will pull sharply on the twine, displacing the cocktail stick lid and causing the tupperware to fall, enclosing the cheesed-up mouse in a see through plastic cage, in which I can transport it triumphantly to the safety of the outside world.

An hour passes.

I invite you to compare the two images. Keen-eyed observers will note that the mouse has not moved. No matter! Soon, the mouse will succumb to temptation. A further hour passes.

Deadlock. The mouse is aware of the cheese, the mouse wants the cheese, but the mouse is not eating the cheese. Perhaps the mouse is more clever than I gave it credit for. It knows that something that appears too good to be true often is too good to be true. It knows that Cambozola Blue Brie doesn’t just appear in bedrooms for no reason. Perhaps it also feels that the tupperware is balanced a little too precariously atop the cocktail stick lid, and being a safety conscious mouse, feels that it would not be sensible to enter the fall zone, at least not without some kind of protective headgear.

A further 30 minutes pass. I realise that we have entered a new and surreal situation – this is no longer human versus mouse. It is bigger than that. More important. It is possible that 20 years could pass without a resolution, and when mankind has self-destructed as a result of nuclear war and global warming and swine flu, thrill-seeking youngsters from the post-apocalyptic future could stumble into the wreckage of the bedroom and find a strange, crouching, pre-apocalypse human staring unblinkingly, determinedly at a small mouse sitting two feet away, a small mouse that stares back, desperate for a little nibble of cheese but frozen in place by a primal terror.

It is misleading to say that at this point I admitted defeat – because the decision to abandon my trap and go and fetch Jessie could only lead to one thing: victory for me. Victory in this sense meaning: the mouse will no longer be in my bedroom. But I had failed to outwit the mouse on equal terms. The mouse was too agile, and the mouse was also not sufficiently enamoured of Cambozola. Perhaps things would have been different had I employed Cheddar. But we should not dwell on what-ifs. We should simply look to the score sheet, upon which is written the following: Simon & Jessie 1:0 Mouse. But is that being too harsh on the mouse? After all, it ended up outside, and as far as anyone can tell it is happier there and is even now enjoying all the things that mice enjoy – running around, eating stuff and whatever else mice do. Let’s instead consider it one of the rare and special draws where both teams come away feeling like they’ve won.

Leave a comment

Filed under Animals

Rubber Gloves

12th February is St Margoldt’s Day. St Margoldt is the patron saint of household chores, motor oil and long-chain polymers. Here is what is known about St Margoldt’s life:

Margoldt of Scunthorpe (also known as Yellow Margoldt, probably as a result of jaundice) was born some time around 1220. He completed his studies at Grimsby and then returned to Scunthorpe where he became a hermit, living in a network of caves and tunnels underneath what is now Specsavers. Some sources list his death as being in 1285, others as 1295. Either way, he didn’t quite make the 14th century.

Miracles attributed to St Margoldt:
– A woman with dirty hands visits a well frequented by St Margoldt; she later finds that the stains have vanished
– After seeing St Margoldt in the street, a man waterproofs the hull of his small boat with tar. Despite making a right old mess and getting sticky black gunk in lots of places it shouldn’t be, his hands remain clean
– A washerwoman hears St Margoldt walk past her hut, whistling a tune. Later, despite having had her hands in water for over 2 hours, her finger ends are not in the slightest bit wrinkled
– A young child, playing in a muddy field, trips over one of St Margoldt’s sandals that came off as St Margoldt was returning to his cave after foraging for berries, and which he is now annoyed at having lost. When the young child stands up, he instinctively goes to wipe his hands on his smock, but notices to his astonishment that they are still dry

It is traditional on St Margoldt’s day to give a pair of rubber gloves to a loved one.

Glove 1
Orientation: Left hand
Cleanliness: 9
Integrity: 10
Eversion: 10 (100% right way round)

Glove 2
Orientation: Right hand
Cleanliness: 9
Integrity: 10
Eversion: 10 (100% right way round)

Leave a comment

Filed under Rubber Glove

Rubber Glove

From: Cat Scan Forensic Services <xxxx@xxx-xxxx.com>
Subject: Test results

Dear Ms The Cat,

Further to our recent correspondence, I am pleased to enclose test results from your submitted specimen, reference number C4T-0029855. I trust that this provides all the information that you require, however should you wish to discuss these results further, or require any clarification on matters arising, please do not hesitate to contact us.

We thank you once again for using our services and look forward to being of help in the future.

Mr Smudge

—————————————–

Specimen reference: C4T-0029855b
Description: Glove, rubber
DNA trace: 3 previous handlers
Handler 1: Quality control operative Lu Gang Chen, human, south mainland China, 22 human years, black hair.
Handler 2: Unidentified female, human, north Wales, uncertain age, light hair.
Handler 3: Unidentified female, cat, north Wales, 9-10 human years, black hair.
Orientation: Left hand
Cleanliness: 5 (filthy fingers and palm area)
Integrity: 10 (fully intact)
Eversion: 9 (slight wrist-curl)
Colour: Yellow
Match with specimen reference #C4T-0029855a (‘The 27th January Glove’): Yes
Confidence: 99.3%

Leave a comment

Filed under Rubber Glove